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Phoebe Sinclair Writes

Phoebe Sinclair Writes

Category Archives: Learnin’

Whole Heart Update – Spring 2018 Edition

19 Tuesday Jun 2018

Posted by Phoebe (she / hers) in Boston Moments, Community, Learnin', Readin', Writing Life

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boston, comics, events, fandom, inspiration, learning, poetry, spring, writing

Hi! I’m checking in, after many months way. As I wrote back in the winter, I’ve been taking time off from Whole Heart Local, my trusty blog and web home since 2011. There are a number of projects in the works that I’m pleased to finally have an opportunity to note. Several are writing projects, several relate to paid-work (read: jobbity-jobs), several more are straight-out wanderings, and at least two aren’t mine. Several + several + several adds up to A LOT, hence my continued absence at WHL and well as MIA hours of sleep. My mom, and maybe somebody else, says “you can sleep when you’re dead!” and, while I might not go that far, I’ll admit that I’m proud of what I’ve been able to accomplish recently.

Writing

Edits: Intermediate Fiction Novel
Those of you who know me personally, or have met me and asked what I’m writing, will recall that I’ve been plugging away at a novel featuring a 12-year-old, Halloween, and a zine. As I wrote in a blog post for my Fellowship, at 13-years-old the manuscript has out-aged the protagonist. Nonetheless, I’ve got stacks of colored index cards, notes, writer’s critique group edits, and Scrivener’s document files at the ready to make good on completing yet another reorganization/revision. Stay tuned.

Edits: Other Manuscripts
You can read more on this blog’s Writer Page, but suffice to say that there are a number of other projects idling on the runway for when the above novel manuscript achieves lift-off, in whatever form that takes.

Fellowship: Writer’s Room of Boston
Early in 2018, I applied for a Fellowship at the Writer’s Room of Boston. Writing space is something I’ve long struggled to obtain –especially space near to home. I was honored, grateful and excited to be awarded the Ivan Gold Fellowship for 2018, which means I’m able to access a quiet, retreat space in Downtown Boston, shared with paying members of the room and other Fellows. So far, I’ve been utilizing the space at least twice per week and it’s making a significant difference in my productivity. Equally important, the Fellowship has raised the profile of my creative writing endeavors in an increasingly overcrowded schedule.

An requirement of my Fellowship is to pen WROB blog posts, check ’em out:

  • Writer’s Math
  • Why Review Books? A Personal History

WROB work station

Community: Boston Writers of Color
This Facebook group, supported by GrubStreet, is comprised of writers in the Boston area. Even though I’ve only been able to make it to one IRL event, meeting other writers of color in my vicinity and learning what they’re working on, struggling with, and achieving energizes me. I’m following and participating in an effort called the Rejection Joy Tally, where people send in notice of their rejected submissions. Related, I attended a Submit-a-Thon event back in March, where writers of varying ages and backgrounds gathered at Grubstreet to submit work to publishers, contests, journals, etc., as well as work on projects to shine them up submission-ready.

Paid Work

Community Liaison at Agassiz Baldwin Community
I know that some in the Interwebs-sphere believe that I’m a librarian because I endlessly talk about books, reading, and libraries. In fact, I am not. (I did work in a library during my teen years.) As is the nature of nonprofit work, my role at Agassiz Baldwin Community comprises many disparate elements. My title, Community Liaison, I tend to oversimplify as “writer and charmer” or, even “I talk to people.” I primarily organize and support a nearly 50-year-old neighborhood advocacy group, and secondarily manage long-standing community events; ‘master’ several websites; and, more recently, provide facilitation and communication supports. What I deemed a job for a decade looks more and more like a “life-style.” It’s completely bizarre and unpredictable. I love it.

Associate, Essential Partners
I started attending workshops and training at Essential Partners, then Public Conversations Project, to gain skills to help me better serve the Neighborhood Council (see above.) Several years passed and I got in deeper with the EP crew –showing up to pretty much any free learning opportunity they hosted. In 2016, I was invited to take part in a pilot apprenticeship program and BAM. To my surprise and absolutely no one else’s, I’m now officially working with EP as an associate. What am I doing, people often ask? With my super-impressive colleagues, helping people and communities develop the skills and knowledge to successfully engage across difference. (Also, this winter I got to work with two very different communities in NYC and Wyoming –so yeah, there’s that. #wander!)

Freelance Consulting
Not sure how to describe this yet as it’s a thing that’s happening almost without my calling it forth. ☺??!

Wandering

Mentor for Institute for Nonprofit Practice
I was invited to mentor a Community Fellow student at the Institute for Nonprofit Practice. My bright, skilled mentee and I met a few times during the winter and spring and discussed what I’ve learned working in the nonprofit sector for over a decade, as well as both of our early community building experiences. It was hard to imagine what else I might offer to someone who is already so well prepared to stride forward and lead. In that paradox of imparting knowledge and insight, I gained as much as I shared.

Learn more about the Institute: https://vimeo.com/230456427

Fan Fiction Theatre
Although my affection for fan fiction is apparently never dying, I myself am not really an author of such. Except . . . I am? Or, was! At age ten I wrote a poem in the voice of Samwise Gamgee and kept it because it turns out I’m an excellent archivist of my own work. Good thing: that poem came in handy for the Fan Fiction Theatre, a fun and hilarious event hosted by The Ladies of Comicazi, a volunteer-run “community devoted to consuming, critiquing, and creating comics and pop culture.”

Check out the LOC blog for a full recap of the event. In brief: I read two poems to the great amusement of those gathered. The opportunity for old work to find new value and an audience was a treat.

  • J.R.R. Tolkien’s Sam Waxes Wise
  • Nobody Wishes Batman Happy Father’s Day

Phoebe fan fiction theatre

The Human Library
The Human Library is an event that I’ve been itching to host in some form or another, so I jumped at a chance to participate when I saw Cambridge Community TV and the Cambridge Pubic Library had collaborated to run it. The goal of the event, originally out of Denmark, is to challenge prejudice by bringing people of different identities together to learn about one another. “Readers” are invited to check “Books” out for a specific amount of time, and precautions are taken to ensure that the experience is safe and pleasant for everyone. I signed up to be a “Book” and my description was:

Title: Writer, Wanderer, Friend . . . Radical?
Excerpt: Meet Phoebe Sinclair – writer, wanderer, friend and radical. She is ready to discuss her experiences growing up during the “colorblind” 1980s, and also to talk about natural hair, fresh food warriors, and the Nation of Islam.

About seven people (some in groups) checked me out for 30-40 minutes each, and I engaged in conversations about what it means to be a radical (which, admittedly, isn’t a title I normally claim); what I write; and most intriguing to me, what it means to wander. I’m still thinking on the experience and would definitely do it again. Cherry on top, I “checked out the book” that is the new Cambridge Police Commissioner Branville G. Bard, Jr. Fascinating.

Podcasts
Participating in the Fan Fiction Theatre spun several other opportunities for me to get my wander on. One was being a guest on Paragraph’s Lost. Host Tim Hewitt and I chatted about my high school self and I read several poems that I’d written during those years. Tim’s impressively apt episode description: “Phoebe makes strides to stay an individual while balancing two high schools and a library gig. Parents magazine proves invaluable.” Take a listen.

I’ve also been a guest on the fun, funny, and insightful Ladies of Comicazi Podcast, sharing reactions to the movie Avengers: Infinity War, with particular attention to how Marvel movies’ treat female characters. Take a listen.

Partner Projects

Literally, my partner’s projects. Although I’m not directly involved with David’s music endeavors (I cheer from the sidelines), I’m including them here because GO DAVE!!! and also being exhausted vicariously is 4realz.

Double Star
After a year of band and song development, Double Star has launched and will soon be playing on a stage near you (in greater Boston.) Self-described: “Double Star fuses female-fronted alternative rock onto a chassis of R&B inflected punk. With their emphasis on vocal harmonies, effected guitars, catchy melodies, and R&B rhythms, they recall The Clash, Belly, Big Star, Liz Phair, Ramones and Indigo Girls.”

Like ‘em on Facebook to catch ‘em live!

Double Star_FB

A Midsummer Night’s Dream
As Music Director for an outdoor performance of my favorite Bard comedy, David teams up with a Double Star bandmate and other area musicians. The show is being produced by Theatre@First, a volunteer community theatre based in Somerville, MA. Performances continue to the end of June 2018, and you can learn more on their website.

Starting the Year Off Right

05 Thursday Jan 2017

Posted by Phoebe (she / hers) in Learnin', Readin'

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

book-love, boston-public-library, cambridge public library, library-lovin

One of my surprises at the conclusion of 2016 was, despite being devoted to so many jobs and efforts and recurring piles of laundry, I read over 50 books!* How I managed this is a mystery . . . and yet not. I truly cannot keep myself from checking out a book or magazine or CD whenever I visit a library. I visit often.

books_to_read_2017-v2

Then there’s my life-long penchant for padding my numbers with picture books (this proto-cheating behavior was inspired by Summer Reading Challenges at my local libraries wherein every ten books or so won a certificate for a ‘personal pan pizza’ at PizzaHut.) Also, I happen to love picture books and keep my own collection, despite the noticeable lack of children in my house.

So. Here we are in 2017 and I discovered I already had a sizable stack of library materials on loan. (Pictured above.) Way I see it, startin’ the year off right.

*You should see my fanfiction numbers. We’re talking 100s!

Fanfictions I Have Loved: An Interview with Nonymos

22 Wednesday Jun 2016

Posted by Phoebe (she / hers) in Learnin', Readin', Writing Life

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

comics, fandom, interview, writing

Welcome to my first WHL interview! With a writer no less! A fanfiction writer! I’m so excited!!! Clue screaming and wavy arms, a la Muppets.

Okay. Now I’ll quit with the exclamation points. But I can’t stop won’t stop my gratitude towards Nonymos, whose exciting, smart, adventurous, and well-composed fics prompted me to establish a OTP before I even knew what the term meant. It was through interacting with her in the comments section of a story that an idea was birthed: maybe other folk who’ve been curious about fics but feel too shy to try ’em . . . or people who love learning about artists’ processes . . . or maybe even interview-junkies, will want in on this conversation, too. You’re welcome.

Nonymos was ever so gracious as to embark on this effort with me. Who knows where it will lead? Here we go. Oh, wait. In the spirit of full-disclosure, some non-graphic but nonetheless adult themes are discussed below. If you click through to fics, please be aware of the same (save for the non-graphic part).

1. Starting from the beginning, what did your early reading life look like and who are your writing influences?

Most of my life has been devoted to reading. Even as a little girl it was all I wanted to do—I exhausted my parents asking for my favorite books to be read again and again and again, and that is actually how I learned how to read, when I was four years old.

When I was a kid, I read a lot of early YA stuff and a boatload of Franco-Belgian comics (I still know them by heart.) I’ve also been very interested in manga for a couple few years. After I got into fandom I started reading American comics, and my collection is steadily growing. All of this taught me about the importance of having good characters and an engaging plot.

The love of beautiful writing came when I started my Literature studies. During those years I caught up on all the classical reading I hadn’t done before. It taught me how to analyze, criticize and dissect a piece of fiction; and it also helped me understand the value of poetry in language—aka why it’s possible to write a good book about nothing as long as it’s well-written. But I firmly believe truly great books are the ones that know how to combine good writing with good content. I was already writing a bit then, but that’s when I really started seriously, and I haven’t stopped since. Won a couple of prizes for short stories, which was very encouraging.

My Masters thesis was about the fantastic in modern fiction. Most of it focused on Argentinean author Julio Cortázar, who taught me how to use words beyond their immediate meaning, and Neil Gaiman, who… NEIL! GAIMAN! I think I can safely say he’s my favorite author. I’m still not done talking about American Gods. I never will be.

I’m in the middle of another Masters now (in publishing) and working a part-time job in a publishing house. My job there is to screen the manuscripts, which as you can imagine fits me perfectly. It’s also teaching me to see books from the other side of the publishing barrier for the first time. I’m still learning a lot inside and out.

2. When and how did you arrive at fanfiction?

I first became familiar with the concept of fanfiction when I was fifteen, thanks to the manga community. What little I read was in French, and as embarrassing and cringey as you can imagine. Baby’s First Fandom! I quickly lost interest in it, and for a couple of years I was convinced I was done being into stuff “so obsessively.”

Fanart_WarChildren_Parisa

Illustration by Parisa for ‘War, Children’ saltdryad.tumblr.com

Oh what a fool I was.

The year 2012 was a game-changer. It’s ridiculous but it’s true. If I hadn’t decided to go and see Avengers with friends, my life would have been very, very different. I came out of the movie absolutely hyped up on fun. My classical training infused me with a vague contempt for mainstream stuff—but Avengers smashed through those barriers. To the point that I yearned to stay in that universe for a bit longer; a feeling I hadn’t had since my manga days. Mostly I longed to explore the fallout of what had happened between Clint Barton and Loki Laufeyson. So I wrote a fic. It’s still on the AO3. It’s absolutely terrible. But it sated my need at the time. I stepped back thinking I was done.

But then I wrote another one. And then another one. I fully expected the obsession to fade eventually, like it had every time such a thing had happened to me before. But it didn’t fade. It just branched out; through it I discovered a lot of new things (Tumblr, its particular brand of deadpan cynicism, and many things about gender and sexuality) and learned a helluva lot about writing, thanks to the feedback of my readers and my own continued discontent with what I was posting.

3. Your style has a lot of interesting rhythm: bold sentence variation and moments where characters go completely stream of consciousness. Is this flow intuitive, are you drawing from influences and/or writing instruction? Maybe a mix?

Thanks! And no—I am utterly unable to follow instructions when it comes to writing. Europeans in general consider that writing cannot be taught, only learned. I mostly agree. I write what feels right. Same goes for influences; I let myself be influenced, it’s not conscious work. So yes, it’s mostly intuition.

It’s when I reread myself that some instructions come into the mix—kill your darlings; show, don’t tell; substance over style. I try to delete as much as I can. Tighten up my writing to the max. If I’m using several sentences to express one idea it’s not good. Reread, delete again, aim for maximum efficiency.

4. What’s easiest and most difficult about writing fanfic?

Writing fanfiction is addictive. Mostly because it’s so easy. (It’s a slippery slope, too—my first stories were bad because I mixed up easy and cheap.) The characters are already there. The universe is already there. All you have to do is combine them in new and exciting ways. And you get so involved in it—because you’ve spent so much time there, it’s like home. I’ve read stories I would have found absolutely inane if they’d involved original characters; but since they were about my OTP they were suddenly fascinating.

There’s nothing I find difficult about writing fanfiction in itself. The difficult part happens when it’s time to break the habit—aka when I work on my original stuff. I get frustrated with my characters because I do not immediately love them and know them. I must relearn patience and worldbuilding.

5. What’s it like writing in a second language?

Immensely satisfying regarding the punctuation. Bet you didn’t think I’d say that!

The French dialogue is in hyphenated form, and it’s absurdly frustrating.

Observe:
“Wait,” said Bucky. He was shaking. “That’s not what I meant.”
Ahh. So clear. So clean-cut.

And now with French punctuation:
— Wait, said Bucky. He was shaking. That’s not what I meant.

I HATE THIS. Of course you could use French quotation marks, but it’s a tiresome and frankly old-school business. Punctuation forces me to pace my writing (and particularly my dialogues) differently in English and in French. Same goes for vocabulary. Some things cannot be translated. Such as “What the hell?” There is no equivalent in French. Of course, it goes both ways—I’ll think of a perfect French phrase, and then I’ll grumble trying to express it in English.

Mostly I’m a lot more confident when I write in English—and that’s because I am tone-deaf to a lot of preconceptions and subtleties. I learned English at school. I’ve become more comfortable with the language as I wrote and I read and watched movies in it. But it’s not organic to me and it never will be. When I write in French I agonize over every single detail; I am aware of the hidden meanings under every single word; every single sentence seems either too heavy or too bland. In English, I’m happy when I achieve proper grammar and when I manage to get my point across. It’s relaxing.

6. In the first story of yours that I read, “In The Details” from “The Marvel Fractions” series, New York City factors largely. Have you ever visited? What is important to consider about describing a location not your own?

Nope! Never been to New York! (I did spend three hours in JFK once, on my way to Arizona. But that was after writing the fanfic, anyway.) But it didn’t matter. I wasn’t writing about New York; I was writing about Clint’s building in Bedford-Stuyvesant, which is largely described and explored in the comics. I didn’t feel the need to learn anything about the real New York. That happened later—when I wrote War, Children. For that one I did a lot of research.

I think the most important thing to consider is this: if you’ve never been there, then you’ve never been there. You don’t know how it actually is. No amount of research is gonna change that. So don’t spend too much time waxing poetic about the atmosphere of the city—describe the building or the street you need, and move on.

7. Continuing with “The Marvel Fractions,” this series was my first time reading about a deliberate and positive mismatch in sexuality. One protagonist – Clint Barton, aka Hawkeye- identifies as straight and the other -Bruce Banner, aka the Hulk- doesn’t specify any sexual identity, yet [spoiler alert!] they get together. Of course, both are solidly heterosexual in the Marvel Comics canon. What drew you to depicting the characters this way?

I actually already wrote a huge rant about this here http://archiveofourown.org/comments/28327105 if you’re interested.

I’m tired of heterosexuality as the norm. But I’m also a bit tired of “everyone is inexplicably queer” rewritings in fandom (though I ain’t judging—I’ve done it before and will do it again!) I wanted to try something different. Clint Barton is conspicuously heterosexual in the comics, having had many affairs with numerous women. Bruce Banner spends too much time on the run to ever really focus on romance, so his canon is more flexible and so he was the one I chose to depict as (presumably) pansexual.

And I really like writing about uncategorized love. In the end, are Bruce and Clint boyfriends? Are they “just” friends with one-sided benefits? It doesn’t really matter. They’ve become family to each other. The rest is just… technicalities.

8. Continuing with this subject, sexuality and sexual situations factor significantly into fanworks. I’m fascinated by the idea that many (female?) writers are not only focusing on same sex male pairings, they’re also imbuing men with feminine values, strengths, and cultures while at the same time remarking on masculine values, strengths, and cultures. What are your thoughts on this?

Fandom is definitely a female-dominated space. It’s amazing in many ways, but it also has its shortcomings. People have criticized the staggering amount of M/M pairings by accusing the female writers of fetishism (the same way straight guys enjoy lesbian porn.) For some of them it’s definitely true, but in our general defense (speaking for the MCU fandom here) I can say this:

– Setting aside love interests (Peggy Carter, Pepper Potts) and secondary characters (Maria Hill, Darcy Lewis) we only have two female characters: Natasha Romanov and Wanda Maximoff. Neither of them has their own movie, and I can’t recall a single line of dialogue between them.

– Fanfiction is about pushing back against a very patriarchal mainstream media; so we write lots of queer characters, lots of men who are actually allowed to access and express their feelings, and lots of women who do not engage in sex and/or romance. When you add all those factors up, you get a predominance of M/M pairings.

– Seriously. We’re desperate for male characters to finally get a bit of sweet lovin’, and we’re desperate for female characters to do literally anything else with their time. Look at how Tumblr reacted to Pacific Rim, Captain America: Winter Soldier and Mad Max: Fury Road. It was like a breath of fresh air.

Society and entertainment influence each other. People do what they see, and write what they do. I think writing stories is essential to shaping ourselves as a culture. Despite the very real threat of fetishism, I think fanfiction is mostly a feminist endeavor.

9. It’s not an exaggeration to say that fanfic writers crave comments! How does reader input impact your process? Do you have rules around criticism or negative comments?

In my author’s notes I’m regularly screaming I LIVE FOR COMMENTS! and encouraging readers to leave comments as long and detailed as they want. Feedback is essential to understanding what works and what doesn’t when it comes to posting a story. You learn how to reference it better, so readers find it more easily; you learn how to pace it better, so your readers will be hooked after the first chapter and willing to bear with you for several thousand words; you learn how to maximize the emotional impact of your writing, so readers will want to read more of your work. Puzzling out all that would be a lot more difficult without comments!

And it’s about the joy of sharing, too. The happy feedback loop of fanfiction is so pure. I had fun writing this; you had fun reading it; let’s rant about the things we love!

Criticism is always difficult to absorb, but it’s also needed. If it’s polite and legitimate, I’ll welcome it. But negative comments—people who just come in to say “I didn’t like it”—those are just malicious. If I’m reading something I don’t like, I just close the tab. The author doesn’t need to know about it. Thankfully, gratuitous rudeness isn’t encouraged in fandom at all, and I’m happy I never had a lot of comments like this.

10. Name three other artists, writers of fanfic or otherwise, to whom you’d like to give a shout out. What should we know about them?

Speranza! One of the most amazing writers in the MCU fandom, imo. (20th Century Limited should be illegal.) Everything they touch turns to gold.

M_Leigh! Her works are spectacular (I am still sobbing over Middletown)—and she’s the co-founder of Big Bang Press. Now that’s applied fanfiction.

bluandorange! Their writing and drawings leave me breathless—but mostly it’s their meta I’m awestruck by. Their opinions on Steve Rogers heavily influenced the way I write him.

11. Okay this last question is inspired by one of my new favorite podcasts, Fanbros. At the beginning of each episode, the hosts dub themselves with funny and clever code-names, which they call AKAs (also-known-as). In the spirit of fanfic, where writers largely go by pen names, what other monikers might you choose for yourself?

Oh, I didn’t know about that—thanks, I’ll go listen to them! And um… I don’t know… This is Nonymos, aka Nobody Expects the Superhero Obsession. Keep writin’!

Woke/Re-Woke: A Conversation

02 Thursday Jun 2016

Posted by Phoebe (she / hers) in Learnin'

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Tags

as-we-are-living-it, cambridge

I’m on the third floor of City Hall, checking out the topographical map of Old Cambridge (then called Newtowne.) A young, energetic photographer beside me, gazing on the faded gray and little bumps of green, the expanse of woods and winding Charles River, says, “Wow. Can you imagine living back then? So much green!” She sighs wistfully. I slant her a look.

“Mmm,” I respond. “I’m all set. In that Cambridge, I would have been a slave, and you’d probably be an indentured servant.”

Old-Cambridge-map.jpg

My mother, my partner, and I are doing that ridiculous thing where we’re waiting outdoors in a line, in winter, to get tidbits of free chocolate. We’re at Harvard Square’s annual festival because it’s fun, and we apparently enjoy riding that edge of discomfort and delight. As we bob and wiggle to keep warm, a young woman makes her way down the line, handing out flyers. I want to avoid her but politeness makes me meet two bright eyes as she asserts her message: come to our rally to help end human trafficking!!

The irony slaps me and I want to laugh: how do you think I got here?

Matter window sign.jpg

By my early twenties, I had settled on how it was going to be for me, life-long:

  • As a person of primarily African heritage, my perceived value to this country is best exhibited by a mental ‘game’ I made up as a child: Who Matters Less [than me] In the US? (my childhood answers: Native Americans, disabled people, the poor, anyone not-hetero. Sometimes, I’d make combos to see how low I could go – poor/female/Afro-Native? etc. )
  • As a woman in the world, I expect to be paid/trusted/listened to less
  • Growing up ‘straight’ was an un-arguable given (unless a person was willing/able to fight)
  • Being mixed-social class is invisible; there’s barely any language to describe it
  • As a feminist, I fight relentless, confusing de-humanizing perpetrated by both men and women
  • Raised radical, many of my personal views don’t make it into casual conversation
  • There’s much I’ll never share with non-Black friends (polite company don’t talk race)
  • Any claimed ‘wokedness’ changes zilch about how I’m viewed, as much as it influences everything about how I see

BLM-sign-First-Parish-Churc.jpg

Nearly halfway through my life and so, so far from the front lines, why am I writing about this now?

I guess ’cause eight years ago, when Obama was first getting elected to our country’s most public/most maligned office, white strangers with tiny HOPE buttons suddenly started striking up conversations with me on public transit. Because kids-these-days are using crazy terms like intersectionality and finding ways to classify and re-see unseen gender identities (cis & trans & ???). Because in three out of three cities where I regularly spend time, residents have various and continued opportunities to engage in conversations about race and gender.

Norms that I’ve long wished weren’t the norm are getting Grizzly-smacked right out of the water while I watch.

Back-of-map.jpg

As a kid learning about American Civil Rights, I assumed the effort was something with which everyone got involved, for better or ill. The whole country, struggling. Text books failed to get across the nuance of those decades where some joined, some didn’t, some hid, some fought, some died, and some weren’t even cognizant -absorbed in childcare or studying Latin or pulling lobster traps over the side of a boat.

Now, I understand as I watch young people define a new movement. It’s a strange, somewhat disembodying experience, walking past Black Lives Matter signs. Part of me says duh! and another part says wow. I can taste the desire to re-establish the platform of faith and ideals from which we’ve been slipping. In my imagination, today’s efforts reverberate back to the folks behind me – the original Sinclairs and Newbys, whose worth was written: sugar, cotton, blood. In a way, I understand those signs hanging over churches and in stores and dorm windows to be a whisper: We hear you. Thank you.

But did you notice that distinction, how I keep walking past –my multi-partial self who hasn’t yet found it in me to act as activist, to choose? I want a way to choose ALL the sides, without devaluing a single one. I want to devise a cyclone-of-uplift that gathers up Asian folk and Native folk and generationally-poor whites who see #blacklivesmatter and feel tightness in their chests. I want a way to look across my cities and see versions of me with my hair represented at all levels, for it to not be a surprise or special treat. I want an end to supposed firsts, a ladder leading back to variation upon variation. I want to discover a solution to forgetting.

I mean, why should my slave heritage be any less proud than a ship to some island where they changed your name? Both were taught to me in school; far as I’m concerned, both histories are mine.

Abodeon-black-lives-sign.jpg

I’m strolling through Harvard Yard. It’s early spring and the sun is warm, dappled, and accenting the beauty of two brown students as they stand beside a redbrick building, amicably arguing about ‘wokeness’. The young man claims depth and veracity. The young woman teasingly, amicably shakes her head: unconvinced.

Woke. The poet in me loves that term. The MTV Generation punk, the alt-view malcontent, who is learning and making mistakes, who feels equal parts curious and cautious . . . and hopeful.

Smiling to myself as I catch snatches of the students’ debate, I half applaud/half mock them, conjugating: She woke. He a-woke?

We re-woke to the reality.

A Case for Public Nudity, or How I Learned to Love the Spa

10 Wednesday Feb 2016

Posted by Phoebe (she / hers) in Community, Learnin'

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Tags

as-we-are-living-it, community, personal-growth, spas

I travel between worlds. I mean . . . we all do, but we’re not always cognizant of the push and pull, how the fit/non-fit shapes and remakes us.

JP Mural - Jose Ramos

I am a child of the heavily-clothed North Eastern States. Raised under the tenets of humility and modesty of my Islamic upbringing, and equally inheriting Western beauty ideals. You’d be hard pressed to convince my teenage self that, in my early twenties I’d appear in the buff in public, on foreign land.

In the locker room of the spa/water park a friend took us to outside of Leipzig, East Germany, a teen boy, (brown, mixed-heritage), dropped the N bomb, or perhaps its Deutsche equivalent, and was instantly-firmly chastised by my horrified (white) friend.

In the outdoor pool at that same spa, a 7-year old, sunning herself on a rock, spied me with gentle, innocent curiously. She was beautiful and I was beautiful. Two bare things soaking up a warm German sun.

JP Mural - Jose Ramos

My younger self, growing up in Coastal New Jersey, mortified when my one-piece bathing suit collected too much sand in the crotch, could not imagine that less than an hour north of me, Korean American children my exact age followed their parents into a parking garage sized ‘health club’ to soak in sex-separated bathing rooms. Would never fathom that, grown up, I’d ‘discover’ these same places where I could just be, and preen . . . and occasionally get chastised by stern-faced grammies, white hair wrapped up in soaked and sweating washcloths, dissatisfied with my spa-etiquette.

JP Mural - Jose Ramos

You probably get my point: I was not raised for public nudity. Mine was to wide leg trousers and sweaters layered one over the other . . . over the other. Mine was to deny men who might treat me as less than a brain, and to not notice if a woman turned me an appreciative eye. Mine was to discomfort and embarrassment, skipping right over ease, gratitude, and pride (Pride being a Bad Word, precursor to dropping your steak in the water while admiring your own reflection, and maybe later drowning.)

Therefore, imagine my growing admiration, respect and delight when, during my first American Korean Spa experience at that crazy, five-floor joint in Queens, I observed a brown-skinned teen at the entrance to the bathing room I’d recently (reluctantly) departed. Her slim back toward me, tiny towel clutched in front of her chest. She gazed into the room at the shining arms, legs, butts, hair, breasts and set in her mind: resolve. I can do this? Right? Stroll in vulnerable; surrender to this space where every woman is as she is and should be.

That girl could, and she did.

JP Mural - Jose Ramos

Radical Acceptance on the Internet, Part 1

04 Thursday Feb 2016

Posted by Phoebe (she / hers) in Learnin'

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as-we-are-living-it

The Internet is GREAT.

It’s the magical mix tape of our lives . . . in the sky, with maybe some of that shiny black ribbon hanging out. A person (or talented cat) can laugh, love, dislike, hate on, mock, unfriend/follow, applaud, listen, commiserate, get bizarre, self-refer, or hatch terrible, no good, very bad plans (or SPAM) simultaneously, depending on one’s propensity for/against multi-tasking (or evil).

And then there’s this . . .

Internets-forget-this-one

Ugh. Internets, why you no forget?

Yeah.

Somewhere between 1998 and 2013, I grudgingly acquiesced to a campaign of radical acceptance related to instances of me on the Internets. That is: I refuse to try to eradicate every single awful photo (of which there are and will be many, MANY); I’m not going to over-curate my persona(s) to make myself out as superhuman (am I succeeding? dunno); and I will accept that, like weather, favors change and thus crumbles the cookie (ie. behavioral expectations for the manner in which our digital selves will continue to evolve #thankyouTwittershaming)

With this in mind, I will RIGHT NOW practice some radical self-acceptance and claim these Visages of Phoebe that will be forever (maybe) emblazoned on that all-important series of tubes (I mean servers. That’s what you were referring to, Al Gore. We know.)

Cambridge City Councillor Nadeem Mazen’s team did great work on this short featuring Agassiz Baldwin Community (though, it’s tough to watch myself on video)

 

Brock of The Sprocket Podcast has solid interview skillz. This conversation was fun and relaxed, and somehow listening to myself isn’t as nerve-wracking as viewing: http://bit.ly/the-sprocket-E219bcal/

Fanfictions I have . . . WHOA

11 Wednesday Nov 2015

Posted by Phoebe (she / hers) in Learnin', Writing Life

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book-love, fandom, writing

Lets talk about sex.

IMG_0482

Let’s talk about 1997. A fresh sophomore in college, I’d been noticing a trend. My male peers -more specifically my straight-identified male peers- were increasingly expressing enthusiasm for same sex relationships. More specifically, those of women. Most specifically, women seeking intimacy with one another in the proximity of those same straight men.

Cue suspicion. Cue my late-high school feminist awakening, re-woke. Cue my BS-Spidey sense (TM), and aggravated Black girl loud-sigh+side-eye.

Cough! Fetish. Ahem. Exoticism. Male supremacist co-opting of women and women’s cultures for base, shallow titillation.

And although I didn’t hang with girls who practiced the art of sucking-face-to-garner-male attention, I do remember arguing with guys who wolf-whistled when ladyactors on the boob tube sized one another up. It was triply frustrating (and betraying) when these guys were people I liked and respected.

Leave it to dudes, I groused, to take something not about then, make it about them, and then blast you when you call them on it. Women would never behave that way, I told myself. When would they ever get the opportunity?

P1010339

Let’s talk about downtown Boston, and junior or senior me. I’m walking (here! Sorry, NYC joke) and before me: two ladies, two guys. There’s some discussion, nervous giggling, but my attention is caught fast when the chortles start. My eyes light on two conservatively-dressed young men reaching to reluctantly . . . hold hands. They keep at for a few paces of encouragement on the part of their girlfriends, then drop and retreat to heteronormative safety.

Huh. Ok. Well.

IMG_0270

Let’s talk about being a quarter of the way through Rainbow Rowell’s Fangirl. I laughed to read about the young fanfic authors rewiring their favorite male characters into a relationship. That’s funny, I thought, assuming a one-off, a nod to the ebullient sexuality of teen girls. Nope. Didn’t stop there.

Finally, let’s talk about fanfiction. About a world of terms new to my 30-something self. (Shipping, anyone? Get Spock? OTP? Schmoop?) About what appears to be hundreds (thousands?) of hobby writers penning same sex smut featuring bizarre, hilarious, and otherwise unlikely pairings. (Lets side-whisper about how those pairing are largely male. Hmm. Lets read into that.) Not romance, nor erotica, but scads of smut. Enough to make the Library of Congress faint (perhaps; if the Library collects Tweets, it’s likely no innocent).

What does this tell me? I was in college for the beginning of the Internet as we currently know it, but I understand now that some of my cis-gendered ladypeers, silent in the face of dudepeers’ leering and sexist assumptions, headed back to their dorms after a dinner of butter pasta and Lucky Charms marshmallow-topped ice cream to type for hours about Harry or Scully or Dawson getting it on with overwritten Mary Sams.

IMG_8217

So yes. Sexism. Lets talk about that. Long before I paid attention to fanzines or fandoms or fanhood, I’d heard dismissive, disgusted jokes about the Twilight-inspired fic-turned-book, 50 Shades of Gray. This ‘novel’, I was to understand on the occasions I heard someone speak on it, featured awful ‘writing’ and horrid BDSM (sorry, not gonna link to that wiki-page). Lots of it. Too much.

I haven’t read Shades (actually, I have, but a different one), but having perused the sometimes shocking virtual shelves of fanfiction (oh, no. I can’t unsee that!), I’ve begun to draw inferences and assume causation in that way so-human (animal?) and I suspect misogyny behind the loud, plentiful mocking.

There blooms the question: who owns sex? Sexuality? Who gets noticed? Upon whom are awards heaped for gender-defining (or perhaps gender confirming) research? Who writes the columns? The NYT pieces? Who develops the rules around moral code and ethical behavior?

Who designs the bras at Victoria’s Secret and then pumps college mailboxes full of circulars and come-hither coupons for instant desirability? (As long as you’re long-legged, trim-hipped, pert-boobed, and straight-haired.)

And who let loose that wily imp, the Internet, to wreak havoc on consumption’s status quo while creating a modus operandi yet to sit still long enough for anybody to get a good grasp. I’ll be the first to claim you can’t see it while you’re in it. (I’ll be the second to say I didn’t research a lick to write this opinion piece, so don’t forget to inoculate with salt.)

I’ll be the third to say: lets talk. Fanfiction . . . whoa! Lots to see (think/suspect/run from/study/celebrate) here. Stay tuned for more*.

*Hastily curated museum of grow-some-patience idioms from my ’80s/’90s childhood.

Exhibit A: But you don’t have take my word for it.

Exhibit B: You make each day a special day. You know how, by just your being you.

Exhibit D: Same Bat-time, same Bat-channel.

Fanfictions I Have Loved

14 Wednesday Oct 2015

Posted by Phoebe (she / hers) in Learnin', Writing Life

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

art-attack, book-love, cat-love, fandom, writing

Here’s where we start. As Julie Andrews states: the very beginning.

Fangirl-book-lucky-day

Actually, that’s not the beginning. Because the very beginning, for me, was the Fellowship of the Ring. Penny of Inspector Gadget. Martin of Redwall. Batman the Animated Series. Robotech. McGyver. Ember of Elfquest. Kung Fu: The Legend Continues. Creations not-mine which I absorbed, which became part of how I move in the world, how I view it.

Enter Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell. Book I spotted top-shelf in the Portland Oregon’s Multnomah Public Library, which I didn’t read until I checked it out during a visit to the East Boston Library. I fell into that book in a big way and this prompted me to notice the chasm of fanfiction. I leaned over the edge to peer into sparkling depths, tripped . . . and the rest is millions and millions of words read, thoughts expressed rabidly enthusiastically to whatever poor fool whomever wandered near, and ruminations as to whether I should give up all my other aspirations and go back to college to study this shocking, new (to me, but not to the world) art form.

Reading as a writer is always an interesting experience, and I’m sure I’ll have more to say on the subject, but through the lens of fanfiction, I can say I’ve discovered:

  • It’s fascinating (to me) to read what other writers like to read, and the brevity of story and excessive ample access allows for rapid exposure
  • I edit/proofread in my head as I read. Until recently, I did not realize how much I do this
  • The idea that people are going ‘home’ after work/school/child rearing/etc. to write their hearts out brings me BIG HOPE for the world. Artists are out there! My type of artists to boot (re: writers)
  • Clearly, the low bar of having someone else’s characters, concepts, and ideas to give you a boost inspires so, so many people to put pen to paper, fingers to keyboard. I’m one of those writers who feels, if you read, you can write, at least for personal enjoyment and I’ve long wondered ‘where does it all go?’ when I meet voracious readers who don’t write. I mean, words go in; gotta reappear somewhere, right (nature ≠ vacuum)? As visual art, as movement, as craft, in the business meeting, in a song sung to a child, as movies inspired-by-the-true-story. As fanfic.

Reading fanfic has prompted me to go back and revisit my younger artist-self. I learned young that, for art to have validity or be of note, it had to be original. Conversely, as I grew older, I learned nothing is original. What’s an art-maker to do, squished beneath this smothering contradiction?

I believe people embracing “transformative works” via consumption and encouragement allows legitimacy to bloom. Thus, for all of my selves – kid, teen, adult – a gate lifted, one I hadn’t realized I was living behind. I see in these works a conversational reflection: I see you/I see what you’re making/I respond/you respond. Echoing rings of ideas connecting the originator, the receptive enthusiast, and the audiences of both.

Now, I understand copyright exists for a reason. We grew it to place protections around intellectual and artistic property. I don’t have quarrel with that. This is what first shocked me about fanfiction -all that writing, all those words, for FREE, because they must be (otherwise, illegal.) And, as with much of life, when money is pulled from the equation, the outcome morphs -not necessarily into something better, but into something different, creative, interesting. Such as Captain American falling in love with Ironman. Apparently. But that’s a curiosity for another blog post.

For now, I’ll share a few of the stories that so opened my mind (all are safe-for-work, some have swearing and violence)(also, there’s intense stuff in many fics out there; be cautious/take care of yourself when reading):

What have you got against Denny’s? (Cap and Thor lured by America’s cheap eats)

Brother-friends stuck in a cabin with a sock-stealing cat (Legolas and Aragorn struggle to survive a mishap, incomplete)

Don’t hang out with Deadpool, ’cause whoa (Poor Hawkeye; yikes)

My Venn diagram will EAT yours (!!! & Ironman)

So! More to say on this subject later, particularly about gender (such as: why do the stories Phoebe spotlights here center around white male protagonists? hmmm), sexuality, voice, and themes I’ve noticed that seem to span what I’ve read. Meantime, happy reading, and watch out for the edge of that cliff. It’s a doozy.

My Personal Political

21 Tuesday Jul 2015

Posted by Phoebe (she / hers) in Learnin', What Is It

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gratitude

Infant-Phoebe-1978

Baby Pho, 1978

I was raised radical. You can tell by just by looking at me. Right?

When I recount my childhood, the images I share, the stories I choose: organic garden in the back yard where I ate horseradish and sucked on sugar cane straight from the earth; reading the Qur’an beneath a tree with my mother and brother; celebrating Kwanzaa instead of Christmas; my brother writing reports on important Black people in history, which he turned in to our parents; largely eating and identifying as vegetarian; listening to Islamic prayers on the radio on Sundays; my parents splitting childcare equally (or so it seemed to me); and going places and attending events that did not seem to appeal to other Black families (NJ State rock & gem show, anyone?)

I was taught character over color, over gender, but never to ignore the importance of culture. Family reigns important, but friends are family, too.

I wasn’t permitted to straighten my hair, and I can’t recall that I ever asked.

Teen-Pho

Teen Pho, 16?

My personal political is that I’m not really all that political, not in the ways I’m used to seeing/hearing/experiencing. However, to people I meet, I’m aware that it can appear that I walk my politics: it’s my hair (“how long have you been natural?” “oh, since childhood”), my wide smile, my inability to appear or to act other than I am. I speak very little code. I’m nearly the same everywhere, to everyone. I have too many opinions about too many things. Picking one side makes my heart sink with dread, because I see the other. I don’t like to leave people out, not even myself. Where people see problems, I try to look again. And again. And again until I can pull apart what I’m seeing and find the kernel of opportunity, of creativity, of solutions -maybe just-for-now, maybe for the long term.

Like most people I’ve met, I continue to search for where I fit. With my refusal to follow the paths laid out for me, I’ve been: the only girl among boys at the 3rd grade lunch table ; the only non-GirlScout at camp, rocking that windsurfing board; the 13-year-old learning how to train bonsai trees in a class of students age 30+; the sole Black occupant at the youth hostel in Dublin, tagging along with a young White couple; the single, long-standing Black employee at a dotcom; the writer among visual artists at a Failure Support Group; novelist among dancers.

Phoebe in the sun

Adult Pho, playing with light

My personal political says: go, see, connect, regret, laugh, mourn, listen, struggle, learn. It does not offer answers, but sometimes it helps me find the questions.

The Reading Life – Favorite Begs & Ends

01 Friday May 2015

Posted by Phoebe (she / hers) in Learnin', Writing Life

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

book-love

In a recent assignment I created for my writer’s group, I asked members to identify their favorite beginnings and endings. Readymade blogpost, what-what?! 

The Assignment
Select/identify three to five of your favorite beginning and/or ending sentences from books, articles, poems, what have you. What moves you about each?

Phoebe’s Favs

BEGS
“I can’t believe you’ve come back
Like the train I missed so badly, barely
Which stopped and returned for me. It scared me
Humming backwards along the track.” – sonnet by Brenda Shaughnessy, “Rise” –love the imagery & sensuality, the “meet-cute” of the mundane & the shocking

“Tyger, Tyger burning bright” –sonnet by William Blake “The Tyger” – intrigue, danger, fire, tigers, wow!

EQ This cover alone brought me careening into the world of comics, of which I’m now a lifetime Reader (cap intended)

ENDS
“She was not someone’s sister, she was not someone’s child. She was Dolores, and Dolores was the good guys.” – Bruce Brooks – Dolores: Seven Stories About Her –I think this is the best summarization of a character; the tone of these two lines has inspired several characters in my own novels

“Peace, tremulous, unexpected, sent a taproot out of nowhere into Morgan’s heart.” –Patricia McKillip – Riddle-Master: The Complete Trilogy –This quote appears, unbidden, in my thoughts on a regular basis and has deeply influenced what I think an ending should be

“It was only then that Burl noticed that someone found him a real pair of shoes. They seemed quite new, and they fit him well.” –Tim Wynne-Jones – The Maestro – says so little, says so much, I ♥ the practical

YOU
So how about you, my friend? Begs & Ends?

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